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Being concerned for HIS feelings is a HUGE reason why I am still here vs. gone. Aside Blondes wives seeking porno dating dating search engine from my need in the reliable companionship area, given I am adjusting the empty-nesting (and improving all the time), the reason I return is often his persistence to get me back. I think about how he feels for me, etc. and I don't know what more to say after a while that I end up returning. I think maybe somehow things can be different, by something that he says. I am so exhausted with our previous clashing, combined with our getting along at the time, that I give it another try. I also return because his efforts have me second guessing myself what if I have this attitude, outlook, overlook this, etc. etc.? Basiy, I am putting in my absolute ALL into this relationship. Neither of us give up easy- a good thing, but so exhausting too. He says he likes that I am peaceful. I wish I had that experience with him most of the time. So, while I mentioned a 3rd time, in my heart, I it doesn't have to be that way. I do him and want him in my life, even as just a friend. It is clear though that friends not work with us, given our history. Time reveal the rest. In the meantime, he knows I am preparing to leave this and he holds onto "making the best of it." This is something I have learned to do, in the meantime. I express gratitude often, in words and in actions- by cleaning, cooking, listening to him, showing interest in who he is about, being there for his 3, etc. So, please kindly do not assume I am using this I. This is so very hard as it is. I am trying to make this work, while also being honest with him of my concerns. I feel like this 3rd time is the final time and no turning back. (of course, I thought that the 1st two.) This time it has to be no contact either, because friendship leads us back here. This it the so very painful part for me and I know it is for him too. So, if I do end up leaving, it is a final goodbye as friends too. :( With so divorces in the world, I am concerned. If it weren't for the subject of marriage he brought up from the 1st month of dating, I wouldn't feel so on guard, other than I am one to consider that as a possibility anyhow (why I date someone). 
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